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“There are good days, and there are bad days, and this is one of them,” Lawrence Welk once remarked, and I’ve found that kind of ambiguity reflects the essence of expat life. Traveling back and forth between two countries twice a year, crossing an ocean and nine time zones in each direction, words like “normal…

Spotted at the 1400 Bar & Grill, Alameda, CA So I’m idly glancing at the drinks menu in a California pub when I notice a curious offering. “Grandma Cooper,” it says. “$1.05 (Between 5:00pm and 5:15pm only) George Dickel Whiskey and 7-Up.” Naturally I ask the bartender about it, and she explains that one of…

Van Gogh’s drawing board, with snacks I pulled a lot of all-nighters back in my twenties, when I was working as a graphic designer specializing in meeting impossible deadlines for ridiculously low amounts of money. I remember explaining to a corporate friend that I survived the long hours at my drawing board by eating plenty…

One of the great things about growing up Catholic is that there’s a saint for every purpose. You apply to St. Anthony to find lost objects, ask St. Joseph for groceries when money is running low, and call on St. Agnes, St. Ursula, and St. Lucy to help you protect your virginity, should you desire…

When it comes to adventures, the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You go on an ordinary high school field trip and get bitten by an irradiated spider, giving you special powers. You’re running for shelter from a tornado, and the next thing you know, your house is dropping on a…

When I was a journalist in Ohio, I was often astonished by the incredibly indiscreet things people would blurt out for the record . For instance, I was once interviewing a friend for a piece called “What Women Think Men Should Know About Sex,” and she told me, “Men know nothing about pleasing a woman.”…

Don’t you just hate getting stranded in crocodile-infested waters? Me too. Like the time in Belize, when our flat-bed boat – more of a motorized raft, really – kept getting its propeller tangled in the weeds. “Run to the front of the boat,” our captain would shout, and our little group would rush forward until…

“Have you seen what they’re charging for laundry here?” I said to Rich, aghast. “It’s more than we paid to buy these clothes.”  We were in Hong Kong’s legendary Peninsula Hotel, splurging on two nights of luxury on a long road trip. The glamor of our surroundings, and the prices, were stunning. “I think we…

If you google the phrase, “don’t let your vacation be ruined by…” you get 23,100,000 results earnestly explaining how to avoid flood season, hurricanes, burglars, pickpockets, sub-standard hotel rooms, the stress of traveling with your family, the stress of traveling without your family, ghastly intestinal parasites, jet lag, lost luggage, mosquitos, scams, kidnappers, fire, bedbugs……

The great thing about living abroad is that it provides so many fresh new ways to screw up. Any gravitas you might feel you’ve accumulated over the years goes right out the window as you start taking the inevitable social and linguistic pratfalls. Every foreign language is studded with sneaky little trip wires, such as…