The first thing that struck me when I arrived back in Spain this week was how much less invisible I feel here. People pay attention to each other. It’s one of the things that makes Seville — a city of 700,000 souls — seem like a village.
For instance, there was the time I discovered a pickpocket had slipped his hand into my purse. OK, I know that’s not the kind of attention anybody wants. But as I wrenched my bag out of his grasp, a nearby stranger instantly began berating the thief in a furious barrage of Spanish that had him fleeing at top speed. I got the impression she would have liked to chase him down and clobber him with her own purse, and I appreciated the sentiment.
Of course, sometimes you can be too visible. Like the time I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and grabbed Rich’s arm for support. Which would have been fine except that as I lurched forward my foot came down directly on top of one of his, and we both pitched forward onto the ground in a tangle of arms, legs, and embarrassment. Everyone in the vicinity shouted and rushed about until it was clear the only thing injured was our dignity.
Madeline L’Engle once asked, “Have you ever tried to get to your feet with a sprained dignity?” To which I reply: Often. I’ve spent two decades floundering through the pratfalls and misunderstandings that come with living in another culture for six months every year.
“How long are you going to keep this up?” everyone used to ask me. “When are you coming home for good?” But nowadays they are peppering me with practical questions about residency visas, Spanish medical insurance, and the difficulty of learning a second language. Everyone I know seems to be considering — or at least fantasizing about — a move abroad.
I’m always happy to share what I’ve learned. The lessons are valuable, even if you’re one of the (apparently rare) Americans not contemplating a move to Europe. For a start, living overseas teaches you why and how to make new social connections. And that’s an area where most of us seriously need to up our game.
In 2023 US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy wrote, “I embarked on a cross-country listening tour, where I heard stories from my fellow Americans that surprised me. People began to tell me they felt
isolated, invisible, and insignificant
.”
Even pre-Covid, he says, half of all Americans reported feeling lonely. And that’s worrying. “Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling — it harms both individual and societal health. It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death.” Yikes!
Most of us no longer live in our original home towns, hanging out with chums we met in kindergarten and generations of extended family.
In our increasingly isolated society, how do we reach out to new friends — or
amigos
, as they are known here? Can we find ways to come together, boosting our daily fun while pushing back against the loneliness epidemic?
I was mulling this over during lunch today, and inspiration struck as I was spearing my first forkful of
carilladas
(pig cheeks). “Rich, I’ve just had an Absolutely Brilliant Idea. This can be the focus of my blog this fall and winter. I can explore how members of the expat community find creative ways to jump-start their social lives. I’ll call it ‘The
Amigos
Project.’ I can start by sharing the tips I always give newcomers.”
What tips? Find a book club (mine’s part of the
American Women’s Club of Seville
). Join an international social club such as
InterNations
. Dine with a local chef in their home via
EatWith
. Sign up for a language class, even if you have absolutely no aptitude for it.
What have you got to lose but your loneliness?
For those moving abroad, choose a destination known for its congeniality. Below are the results of InterNations’ 2024
Expat Insider Survey
which evaluates quality of life by studying leisure, mobility, health care, safety, and climate. Spain has held the number one spot for two years in a row. Not bragging, just saying.
Four years ago I wrote:
The decision to move abroad often comes as a sudden, blinding, rapturous epiphany, when you realize you actually can — you should! — you will! — boldly change the course of your life forever. I’ll never forget Rich sitting me down at a sidewalk café in Seville and earnestly trying to persuade me that we should live here “for a year” while I kept attempting to break into his monolog long enough to gasp “Hell, yes!” But, as the Buddhists are fond of saying, “After the ecstasy, the laundry.” When the first giddy thrill wears off, the mundane details need to be addressed.
And when I say “mundane details,” I actually mean the staggering mountain of large and small tasks required for any major move, plus the added legal complications of foreign residency.
To get you started, here are stories I’ve written about the three biggest “mundane details” you’ll need to tackle early on.
How To Get a Residency Visa Without Losing Your Mind.
A residency visa will let you live year-round in the country of your choice. Getting one can take 200 hours of paperwork; you may want to hire help.
What I’ve Learned About Finding Medical Care Abroad
.
The US ranks 23rd in quality of health care, so you may be pleasantly surprised by the options (and prices) you find overseas.
I’m a Foreigner Here Myself
. Learning a new language doesn’t get any easier with age, but it’s a great way to make friends and learn about local customs and attitudes. At the very least you’ll do better ordering beer at the bar.
“Travel,” wrote author Andrew Solomon, “is a set of corrective lenses that helps focus the planet’s blurred reality.” We get even greater clarity when we settle down abroad for an extended period of time.
Just as going away to college gives us fresh perspective on our family dynamics, leaving the US to immerse ourselves in a foreign culture illuminates our understanding of our nation and our world. We make friends with a whole new range of people. And while we’re getting to know them, we discover exciting, totally unexpected aspects of ourselves and how we fit into the global family.
Stay tuned! In the coming months I’ll be visiting different parts of Spain, talking to expats and locals to learn about ways they have managed to engage more fully with the culture around them.
Got questions? Let me know in the comments below.
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